Author Topic: THE STARS WITHIN first paragraph help  (Read 1155 times)

Offline Farfadet

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 61
  • Karma: 5
THE STARS WITHIN first paragraph help
« on: April 26, 2021, 12:08:15 PM »
Hi guys I've re-written my first paragraph and needed this wonderful community's opinion about it.

I struggle with two versions and wondered if anyone could help me chose. If one makes you want to read more than the other. Also, if there's anything inherently wrong with them. Thank you in advance.

1. Tic,toc, tic, toc, tic, toc, the old clock from another era mocked Thomas. Its persistent noise teamed with the thoughts bouncing inside of his skull to drown everything else. The doctor's lips moved, but the words rang hollow in his ears. His vision blurred.

2. Tic,toc, tic, toc, tic, toc, the old clock from another era mocked Thomas. He sat in a doctor's office with no water in sight, yet he was drowning. He struggled to breathe. The doctor's words rang hollow in his ears. His vision blurred.

Context, the guy receives bad news. Thanks!


1. After he caught the word cancer, Thomas lost focus. His vision blurred. He struggled to breathe. Every sound became muffled except the old clock from another era going tic, toc, tic, toc, tic, toc, like the thoughts bouncing inside his skull.


2. Cancer. The last word Thomas understood. The doctor's lips still moved, but the sound didn't reach him. His vision blurred. He struggled to breathe. Tic, toc, tic, toc, tic, toc, the old clock from another era mocked him until it drowned everything else.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2021, 03:58:07 PM by Farfadet »

Offline jcwrites

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 520
  • Karma: 83
Re: THE STARS WITHIN first paragraph help
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2021, 12:21:10 PM »
I don't vote for either. Each gives us the character's reaction to the news without telling us what the news is. Better I think to hear the news along with the character, then show us his reaction. Also, "ring hollow" may be misused; it means untruthful or insincere, not silent. HTH.

Offline Farfadet

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 61
  • Karma: 5
Re: THE STARS WITHIN first paragraph help
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2021, 01:48:48 PM »
Thanks a lot, jcwrites! Thanks for pointing out these problems. I have re-written two more that are more alike this time except for some minor changes between the two. Hope it's better and doesn't misuse idioms this time ;)

1. After he caught the word cancer, Thomas lost focus. His vision blurred. He struggled to breathe. Every sound became muffled except the old clock from another era going tic, toc, tic, toc, tic, toc, like the thoughts bouncing inside his skull.


2. Cancer. The last word Thomas understood. The doctor's lips still moved, but the sound didn't reach him. His vision blurred. He struggled to breathe. Tic, toc, tic, toc, tic, toc, the old clock from another era mocked him until it drowned everything else.

Offline rivergirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1635
  • Karma: 300
Re: THE STARS WITHIN first paragraph help
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2021, 07:00:20 PM »
Both are good but I like #1 better (not sure why). It's a powerful opener. I feel like I am Thomas receiving the news. It definitely propels the reader forward.

Offline Farfadet

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 61
  • Karma: 5
Re: THE STARS WITHIN first paragraph help
« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2021, 10:27:17 AM »
Thank you so much for your input!

Glad to have you feeling about it. It'll help me reach a final decision :)

Offline Kjk

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 71
  • Karma: 10
    • Bedlam:The Pale Beauty
Re: THE STARS WITHIN first paragraph help
« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2021, 11:52:13 AM »
I like one a lot. Its a really good opener.


Offline UKHorrorwriter

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 30
  • Karma: 0
Re: THE STARS WITHIN first paragraph help
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2022, 03:44:33 AM »
The first one. But why use the word 'caught'? It makes me think that the narrator thinks that cancer is a communicable disease. And 'After' seems redundant.

Why not: 'When he heard the word 'cancer', (etc. etc. etc.)'.

Offline Farfadet

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 61
  • Karma: 5
Re: THE STARS WITHIN first paragraph help
« Reply #7 on: September 23, 2022, 08:48:23 AM »
Sorry it took so long, but thank you very much for your input UKhorrorwriter!

This book actually got published!! Which means I can't change it anymore. For good reasons, though! :)