Author Topic: Silversmith- Science Fantasy  (Read 280 times)

Offline benbrockway

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Silversmith- Science Fantasy
« on: May 28, 2021, 09:02:27 AM »
Madison rubbed the back of his neck as the lords argued. Did they even remember he was in the room? Had they forgotten he was their king?
The grand council chamber felt like a tomb. Mounted from pillars lining the room, two dozen torches seemed to produce all moving shadow and no light. Their invisible smoke coated the ceiling in soot—creating a stain he could no longer afford to have removed.

Offline rivergirl

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Re: Silversmith- Science Fantasy
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2021, 08:58:00 PM »
Madison rubbed the back of his neck as the lords argued. Did they even remember he was in the room? Had they forgotten he was their king? Not a fan of serial questions. just a personal preference. Consider: He wondered if they even remembered he was in the room. Had they forgotten he was their king? This is an intriguing start and propels me to read more
The grand council chamber felt like a tomb. Mounted from pillars lining the room, two dozen torches seemed to produce all moving shadow and no light. Their invisible smoke coated the ceiling in soot—creating a stain he could no longer afford to have removed. Again a personal preference. Em dashes are meant to create emphasis, not sure this is the right place to really make your point. Overall a great start. You might consider a snippet of dialogue in the background from the lords to add more color.

Offline gushags16

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Re: Silversmith- Science Fantasy
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2021, 11:07:17 AM »
I agree with Rivergirl that the questions in the first paragraph don't grab the reader. For me, too, I felt like there was an abrupt shift to the second paragraph. Probably because you ask those questions but then don't pose any kind of resolution or potential answer or response. Also, there is no transition between the end of the first paragraph and the second.

I quite like the line The grand council chamber felt like a tomb. I feel that's where you should start the book. That grabs me more than a person rubbing his neck. I would recommend starting with that paragraph and then bringing in the first paragraph immediately following or later on the page.

Something like:

The grand council chamber felt like a tomb. Mounted from pillars lining the room, two dozen torches seemed to produce all moving shadow and no light. Their invisible smoke coated the ceiling in soot, creating a stain he could no longer afford to have removed. Around him the lords argued among themselves, as if Madison was not even in the room. As if they'd forgotten he was their king.