Author Topic: Bedlam: the Pale Beauty literary/ magical realism updated 6/25/21  (Read 227 times)

Offline Kjk

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So i got rid of the first two options and added three more.

Option 1: It had been days since I last saw another person . . . or was it weeks? As I sat, slouching forward, along the hot and shimmering sand, I raised my head to look up and down this pristine, caramel colored beach in Havana, only to realize . . . I was alone. Even that chubby Canadian, who was remodeling the Rosario hotel, was absent. 

Option 3: As I stared along my front yard, this caramel colored beach in Havana, I realized days had passed since I last saw another person... or was it weeks?

Option 4: As I stared along this caramel colored beach in Havana, I realized days had passed since I last saw another person near my home . . . or was it weeks?

Option 5: As I stared along this caramel colored beach in Havana, my home, I realized days had passed since I last saw another person... or was it weeks?
Original post:

As I stared along my home, this caramel colored beach in Havana, I realized it had been days since I last saw another person… or was it weeks? Even that chubby Canadian, who was remodeling the Rosario hotel, was absent. Normally I would catch him glaring at me from the far off and distant ridge. In fact, only once did he ever come closer.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2021, 01:28:20 AM by Kjk »

Offline sgf999

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Re: Bedlam: the Pale Beauty literary/ magical realism
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2021, 03:08:25 PM »
I like the set up! I'll be honest, out of options 1,2, and the Original, I like the Original one the best. I think it has more voice than the new ones, it also provides more details and provides them in a more significant way.

For example: "It had been days since I last saw another person..."  is a line that begins the story in the narrator's head, and they're wondering how long they've been some place without much context. Who is saying this and where are they? Why can't they tell the difference between days and weeks? It creates a mild sense of confusion, which is OK, but IMO it's better to start off giving the reader a sense of the character or their surroundings before that sense of confusion.

In comparison, "As I stared along my home, this caramel colored beach in Havana, I realized it had been days since I last saw another person" This is more visually evocative with the description, and puts the reader in a setting right off the bat. Also, the narrator is calling it "home", which adds the subtext that whoever the narrator is, they feel like they've been there for a while, and might be there for some time to come.

Also, the 2nd line in the two new versions include " . . . I was alone", and this information is already provided in the first line, when the narrator discusses the last time they saw another person.

Hope this helps a bit!
« Last Edit: June 22, 2021, 03:23:34 PM by sgf999 »

Offline Kjk

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Re: Bedlam: the Pale Beauty literary/ magical realism
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2021, 01:38:38 PM »
Thank you for the  input. I think you are right. The only problem is that someone pointed out that people might assume, in the original post, that the character is staring at a house not the beach. Its weird sometimes I see it and other times I don't. It's a matter of perspective and it makes it kind of messy. I included option 3 and 4, and would appreciate your opinion.

Offline sgf999

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Re: Bedlam: the Pale Beauty literary/ magical realism
« Reply #3 on: June 23, 2021, 02:44:44 PM »
Quote
The only problem is that someone pointed out that people might assume, in the original post, that the character is staring at a house not the beach.

I didn't see this until you pointed it out.  ;D

How about:
As I stared along this caramel-colored Havana beach I called home...,

or:

As I stared along my new  [or other modifier.. makeshift seems too technical though] home, this caramel colored beach in Havana

Offline sharonstuff

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Re: Bedlam: the Pale Beauty literary/ magical realism updated 6/25/21
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2021, 09:49:38 AM »
I’m no expert at this, so take this with a grain of salt (or caramel-colored sand?😀).  Maybe stretch out your ideas into a few more sentences bc you are saying a lot in that one sentence and it’s hard to tell what you are focusing on. Is it the absence of people?  You notice there are no footprints in the sand….you glance over at the hotel and , hey…where is that chubby, angry fellow?  Or…My home, the beach, is usually calming and beautiful; but something is different. 
Good luck! I can’t wait to read more😀

Offline rivergirl

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Re: Bedlam: the Pale Beauty literary/ magical realism updated 6/25/21
« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2021, 03:38:59 PM »
Sorry, I'm not a fan of any of them. The 'stared along' does not work for me. A stare is looking at a fixed position and doesn't work in this context. I think you're trying to squeeze too much into the first sentence. consider simplifying and then work in the location further down in the page. There wasn't a soul on the beach, and I was content for the first time in weeks. Two weeks earlier (the tourist you refer to) set up a beach umbrella in the caramel-colored sand, only a stones throw from my back door. I'd been living in Havana since blah blah. Okay this is my suggestion. We all have our own tastes and this might not sound right to your ear, but this flow sounds better to my ear.