Author Topic: My Mom is my Hero - picture book - 350 words  (Read 219 times)

Offline MDane

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My Mom is my Hero - picture book - 350 words
« on: May 19, 2022, 05:59:14 PM »
Hello everyone,

I have just completed my first picture book and would greatly appreciate any feedback you might have.
Thanks so much in advance, you are legends!

EDIT 2


My Mom Holds My Smile

 
My mom is a soldier,
and she is my hero.
She’s strong like a stone
though melts when I smile.
 
We are best friends.
We always laugh
and play hairdresser
until she looks like a princess.
 
But work took Mom away today,
where I can never go.
With her went my smile,
now I’m empty and alone.

Then that silly Max appears
and drags me from the couch.
We bound around in search for
the smile missing my mouth.

Woof woof woof!


We look through Mom’s rose garden
and her lemon soaps.
We browse in her jewelry box
but my smile does not show.
 
Mom’s been gone a month today,
where I can never go.
Dad shows wedding photos,
but I’m empty and alone.

Then that silly Max arrives
and tugs me from the bed.
We set out to find my smile
and place it on my head.

Woof woof woof!

We search through Mom’s favorite books,
almost losing hope.
We hunt beneath her fluffy chair
but my smile does not show.
   
Mom’s been gone a year today,
where I can never go.
We take flowers to her gravestone
but I’m empty and alone.

I search the growing grass nearby,
and raid my nicest coat.
I probe Dad’s bony hand with mine
but my smile does not show.
 
Then that silly Max appears
and trips me to my back.
He leaps onto my rising chest
and barks at our dear dad.
 
Woof woof woof!
 
And I almost smile.
But I don’t…
 
Then Dad flops down
and with a howl,
he growls at Max
and lifts his brow.
 
Max barks back.
 
And then,
feeling a little silly,
I bark, too.
Woof woof woof!
 
And my smile comes out from hiding,
and settles below my nose.
I drew it from deep inside as I learned
I never was alone.





My Mom is my Hero

 
My mom is a soldier,
and she is my hero.
She’s strong like a stone
though melts when I smile.
 
We are best friends.
We always laugh
and play hairdresser
until her hair is a mess.
 
But work took Mom away today,
where I can never go.
With her went my smile,
now I feel empty and alone.

I search through Mom’s rose garden
and her lemon soaps.
I browse in her jewellery box
but my smile does not show.
 
Then that silly Max appears
and leaps into my lap.
He licks and drools and pokes his paws
and his jaw opens to yap.
 
Woof woof woof!
 
And I almost smile.
But I don’t.
 
Mom’s been gone a month today,
where I can never go.
Dad shows wedding photos,
but I feel empty and alone.
 
I search through Mom’s rows of books,
almost losing hope.
I hunt beneath her fluffy chair
but my smile does not show.

Then that playful Max appears
and leaps into my lap.
He drops his smelly bone on me
and seeks to reach my hat.
 
Woof woof woof!
 
And I almost smile.
But I don’t.           
 
Mom’s been gone a year today,
where I can never go.
We take flowers to her gravestone
but I feel empty and alone.

I search the growing grass nearby,
and raid my nicest coat.
I probe Dad’s bony hand with mine
but my smile does not show.
 
Then that merry Max appears
and trips me to my back.
He leaps onto my rising chest
and barks at our dear dad.
 
Woof woof woof!
 
And I almost smile.
But I don’t…
 
Then Dad flops down
and with a howl,
he growls at Max
and lifts his brow.
 
Max barks back.
 
And then,
feeling a little silly,
I bark, too.
Woof woof woof!
 
And my smile comes out from hiding,
and settles below my nose.
I only had to remember that
I never was alone.
 
I will always love and miss my mom,
she is my hero, my moon, my sun.
But Max found my smile once more,
so he is my hero on four fluffy paws.


« Last Edit: June 15, 2022, 09:27:19 PM by MDane »

Offline meganden

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Re: My Mom is my Hero - picture book - 350 words
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2022, 05:23:07 PM »
So, I read this a few times and read it out loud to my two kids. It's well written and I can imagine the illustrations quite clearly. The one thing I would suggest is to remove the last stanza (I know it's not technically a poem, but it is written like one).

And my smile comes out from hiding,
and settles below my nose.
I only had to remember that
I never was alone.

This reads so much better as the end because it focuses more on the fact that the child is not alone. It's not because the child has a dog, specifically, but because she (if that's correct) also has her loving father who gets on the floor and acts silly too. It shows that the child will never be alone when there is love in her life. If you include the last part, it slows everything down. It's a bit clumsy and doesn't fit the rhythm. It also implies that this kid is placing all their love and acceptance of death on Max, specifically, which isn't nearly as uplifting when you consider Max won't always be there.

It really is written well. My children and I all thought it would make a great book.

Offline MDane

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Re: My Mom is my Hero - picture book - 350 words
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2022, 09:23:08 PM »
Hi Megan, thanks so much for taking the time to read my story and write a review. I love that you read it to your children.

You are absolutely right about the last stanza. I was never happy with it but couldn't figure out how to make it better. It never once occurred to me to remove it entirely, but it reads 100X better without it. Thank you!!!

Offline gman

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Re: My Mom is my Hero - picture book - 350 words
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2022, 04:34:30 PM »
Heartwarming. We need more stories like this for kids. Thanks for sharing, MDane.