Author Topic: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)  (Read 485 times)

Offline UKHorrorwriter

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Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« on: June 25, 2022, 08:29:33 AM »
A vampire must fight his fellow vampires to protect his human daughter.

What do you think? Good? Too simple? Would you want to read this?

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2022, 04:12:14 PM »
I like it. ☺️ I like the simplicity of the idea. Not a fan of "must fight"...but no idea of alternatives.

Offline susan-louise

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2022, 02:45:12 AM »
I like the precision but you're not really drawing me in. Also repetition of vampire jars.  I agree with Pineapple..."must" should go...  

A vampire must fight his fellow vampires to protect his human daughter.

A possible version...

When a vampire's human daughter becomes prey for his brethren, he is compelled to fight/confront them.


Play around with it...but do give us a bit more fizz.

What do you think? Good? Too simple? Would you want to read this?
« Last Edit: August 26, 2022, 02:46:59 AM by susan-louise »

Offline Crone

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2022, 10:54:20 AM »
A vampire must fight his fellow vampires to protect his human daughter.

What do you think? Good? Too simple? Would you want to read this?


About "must fight"...
What does he have to do to prepare himself for battle? Does he have to go somewhere, or stock up on anything? Is he facing his best friends? (do vampires have friends? lol)I might like to have a better feel for what their situation entails.

Offline Pineapplejuice

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2022, 03:38:49 PM »
A vampire must fight his fellow vampires to protect his human daughter.

What do you think? Good? Too simple? Would you want to read this?


About "must fight"...
What does he have to do to prepare himself for battle? Does he have to go somewhere, or stock up on anything? Is he facing his best friends? (do vampires have friends? lol)I might like to have a better feel for what their situation entails.


Of course we have friends

Offline UKHorrorwriter

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2022, 03:13:52 AM »
Hi guys

thanks for the replies! Apologies for my late reply but life got in the way.

So I have been tinkering around with it and I have come up with (please note this is the first sentence of my query letter).

'A quiet, suburban vampire is forced to battle his fellow vampires to save the life of his human daughter.'

I took on board what you were saying and got rid of 'must fight' to make it clearer why this is 'out of character' and added some adjectives to provide more 'fizz'. What do we think? Better? Worse?

(I am aware I am still repeating the word 'vampire' but can't think of a solution to that problem at the moment).

Thanks!
« Last Edit: September 03, 2022, 03:16:36 AM by UKHorrorwriter »

Offline susan-louise

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2022, 06:54:49 AM »
'A quiet, suburban vampire is forced to battle his fellow vampires to save the life of his human daughter.'

If this is your first line.. it really has to grab. 

I'd eliminate "quiet" to avoid list syndrome....because "suburban" is  intriguing.   Personally, (as a reader) the repetition of vampire halts flow...but perhaps you have synonyms?  "blood suckers" or if you wish to be a little "out there" try sanguisuges" - both of which come to mind.  Good luck!  I'm sure the book is amazing. :)

Offline UKHorrorwriter

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2022, 06:13:14 AM »
Thanks very much Susan! I will indeed remove 'quiet'. Still can't think of an appropriate synonym for vampire but will wrack my brains!

One thing: I don't know if it helps anyone. Looking back over the synopsis, it's not actually him fighting his fellow vampires as such. It is more specifically him fighting the 'vampire power structure'. So it's more of a David (sic) and Goliath thing. Which makes the stakes and the difficulties more apparent.
So a synonym for 'vampire hierarchy' or 'vampire Lords' something like that....my mind's gone blank!

Anyway, thanks very much for all the feedback it's much appreciated.
« Last Edit: September 04, 2022, 02:34:58 PM by UKHorrorwriter »

Offline susan-louise

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #8 on: September 05, 2022, 05:21:06 AM »
One thing: I don't know if it helps anyone. Looking back over the synopsis, it's not actually him fighting his fellow vampires as such. It is more specifically him fighting the 'vampire power structure'. So it's more of a David (sic) and Goliath thing. Which makes the stakes and the difficulties more apparent.
So a synonym for 'vampire hierarchy' or 'vampire Lords' something like that....my mind's gone blank!

UK Horror Writer: This clarity is really helpful (to me as a reader)  How about this???

'A  suburban vampire is forced to battle his peers to save the life of his human daughter.'

Offline UKHorrorwriter

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #9 on: September 05, 2022, 06:32:20 AM »
Hi
thanks
yes I thought of something like that.

Like 'A suburban vampire is forced to battle his own people to etc.'

Or

'A suburban vampire is forced to battle his own kind to etc.'

Or

'A suburban vampire is forced to battle his own undead comrades to etc.' (although comrades is not quite the right word in context.

Offline susan-louise

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #10 on: September 05, 2022, 07:02:44 AM »
I think you're on a roll now with good, possible alternatives.  Actually rather like the option

" a suburban vampire is forced to battle his own people...etc".  Repetition, even in small doses, can be fatal for an opening line so you have now avoided it by thinking of other expressions.  Best of luck :)

Offline UKHorrorwriter

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Re: Elevator Pitch for Blood Running (novel)
« Reply #11 on: September 05, 2022, 08:15:14 AM »
Thanks Susan-Louise!