Author Topic: ** NEW VERSION** First paragraph from epic fantasy -- THE SOURCE OF STRIFE  (Read 310 times)

Offline Farfadet

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Hi everyone!

I've been gone a while, busy with writing this new novel! Can anyone look at this opening paragraph and tell me if it works, please. I will gladly do the same with yours if you have one. Thank you!

Here goes:
Enough was enough.
Once again, nobody considered Dinnie's opinions. Often how it went during a kidnapping, one might say. Except for her, it wasn't a first, nor was it distinct from her everyday life. Her mother. Her father. They would never cease this struggle to wrest her from each other's control. No more. This time, she let her ravisher abduct her. For she'd escape this madness.


They were coming for her.

“Good,” Dinnie murmured at the scuffles echoing in the distance.

By now, she was familiar enough with the kidnappings, and their perpetrator, they'd cease to distress her. Her father’s people would never dare hurt her.

Dinnie was far too valuable.


« Last Edit: October 25, 2022, 10:19:42 AM by Farfadet »

Offline susan-louise

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Re: First paragraph from epic fantasy -- THE SOURCE OF STRIFE
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2022, 06:05:18 AM »
Hi everyone!

I've been gone a while, busy with writing this new novel! Can anyone look at this opening paragraph and tell me if it works, please. I will gladly do the same with yours if you have one. Thank you!

I really like the title of your novel!  And the first line is vigorous, so bravo.  However, the rest of the paragraph left me confused. Some flow issues could be fixed and clarity enhanced. I had to read this several times to grasp the direction and this is fatal when you are trying to draw the reader in.  I'm sure your novel is gripping but that first paragraph must leave no room for pausing or re-reading. Some comments... 


Here goes:
Once again, nobody considered Dinnie's opinions.  (opinions in the context of a kidnapping sounds rather tame. "wishes?" "Fears?" etc) Often how it went during a kidnapping, one might say. (Forgive me...but the syntax here is clumsy. How about "One might say this is how kidnappings go..." (ie keep it simple) Except for her, it wasn't a first, nor was it distinct from her everyday life. ( I might be inclined to say "It wasn't the first time, nor was it....etc).   I am surmising her parents consecutively "kidnap" her as part of a parental war)  Her mother. Her father. They would never cease this struggle to wrest her from each other's control.  (This lacks flow...so perhaps tighten it)  "Her mother and father would never cease their struggle to snatch her from the other's control.") No more. This time, she let her ravisher abduct her.  (So now I am confused....has she been abducted by someone else? An agent for the parents ?  Or is this a random kidnapping ?  Do you see the confusion you are creating in my mind as a reader. ?)For she'd escape this madness.

 

Offline Farfadet

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Re: First paragraph from epic fantasy -- THE SOURCE OF STRIFE
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2022, 08:46:53 AM »
Thank you so much for your input!

 Yes I know and that’s my struggle with this first paragraph. I’m trying to convey so much in a few lines it’s hard. I’m actually really happy you understood everything. And the other problem I face is that the deed is done and she’s used to it so she’s not concerned. It’s kind of a weird line to make readers understand that this particular kidnapping isn’t emotionally gripping from my character’s POV. She’s not stressed or panicked or afraid. More like jaded.

I will look how to clarify it with your suggestions. Thank you again!

Offline MichelleG

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    • MICHELLE GWYNN JONES - NEW GRACE NEWS
Re: First paragraph from epic fantasy -- THE SOURCE OF STRIFE
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2022, 09:19:45 PM »
I think your first paragraph is excellent.

I have been the attorney for both parties and the child in custody battles too many times to count.  The constant back and forth, the 'no its my turn to pick you up' that the child knows is a lie but cant confront the offending parent.  I had a twelve- year-old client who was so fed u; with it she made having her miserable for her father until he went away. 

I don't know where your story is going, but the child's frustration and anger seems right to me.
"You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of isolation and the impunity with which crime may be committed there." - Sherlock Homes, The Copper Beeches - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Offline Farfadet

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Re: First paragraph from epic fantasy -- THE SOURCE OF STRIFE
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2022, 08:45:51 AM »
Oh thank you so much!

It's really nice to have your perspective on this. It reassures me a lot. Thank you for taking the time to read it! :)

Offline Jodic

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Re: First paragraph from epic fantasy -- THE SOURCE OF STRIFE
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2022, 02:35:14 PM »
Hi Farfadet, not sure if you've moved on from this, but your paragraph intrigued me so I thought take a peek!

Enough was enough.  - consider removing this line. You have a powerful ending that shows this, so it's a repeat and your ending does a great job of this!



Another idea for your first couple of lines (take or toss if it doesn't work):  Once again, Dinnie’s parents didn't consider her wishes. Even though she asked, complained and even begged to stay with Mom, they followed court orders and shunted her back and forth between their homes. Mom at least spent time with her, but Dad, he couldn't be bothered. As Dinnie's Mom asked her to pack her overnight bag for Dad's place, she sat on her bed and didn't move toward her closet. No way.       Then end with your sentences! Great job, I'd keep reading for sure!

Once again, nobody considered Dinnie’s wishes. One might say it was a normal occurrence during a kidnappingOkay, after reading the whole paragraph, i know this isnt actually a kidnapping, but rather a visit to Dad that she'drather not have. Is there another way to phrase it? . Except for her, it wasn’t the first time, nor was it distinct from her everyday life. Does this sentence mean it wasnt thw first time her wishes had been ignored, or that she was kidnapped? Also, consider adding a little more to the distinct from her everyday life part. What does it mean?Her mother and father would never cease this struggle to wrest her from the other’s control. No more. This time she’d escape this toxic cycle. No way she was returning to her insane fatherI love the last 3 sentences. They encapsulate her desire peefectly, and hint at issues with Dad, making the reader want to read more..

Offline Farfadet

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Re: First paragraph from epic fantasy -- THE SOURCE OF STRIFE
« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2022, 01:31:00 PM »
Thanks for your answer Jodic! I will look into yours!

I actually changed the whole first chapter. If anyone still wants to help it'd be awesome. There was too much exposition and I feared it wasn't dynamic enough. Here's the new version.

They were coming for her.

“Good,” Dinnie murmured at the scuffle noises bubbling in the distance.

By now, she was familiar enough with the kidnappings and their perpetrator that it didn't cause her much distress. Her father’s people would never dare hurt her.

Dinnie was far too valuable.

Offline MFeuerman

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Wow!  That's quite the hook.

It's really interesting to watch the evolution of your first paragraph. 

Offline Farfadet

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thank you so much! glad you like it!  ;D