CHAPTER ONE
There were three people in line in front of Jane Devon. She didn’t recognize the man behind the cart. Having to deal with a stranger wasn’t unheard of, but ever since the woman in Berlin it always made her throat dry. She had to force herself not to swallow.
Jane was on high alert whenever it happened. I'd start with this line. I feel like you first sentence isn't really engaging. This one feels more apt to garner a readers attention. I barred it happened because I don't understand what happened. ( dealing with a stranger?) needs clarification I believe. Jane surveyed the area around her for anyone who looked suspicious. A woman sitting on a wooden bench had a stroller and a book, but she didn’t seem to be reading or paying any attention to her child. A man in a fully buttoned three piece suit was leaning on a tree talking on his phone. He wouldn’t stand out so much if he loosened his tie.
She noticed a group of teenagers over her left shoulder, most of them were looking in the other direction watching BMXers. The one in the baseball cap and sunglasses seemed to be looking directly at her, she couldn’t be sure. Jane wasn’t paranoid, suspicious people could be extremely dangerous.
There were two people in line in front of Jane.
She turned her attention to the sandbox for a moment. Jacob and Jason
were playing their favorite, and to Jane most annoying, game of burying their cars and then needing help to find them. Being that it was rare to get a few minutes off in the middle of the day to meet his family at the park, Al was unaware that the four-year-olds were conning him.
She watched as he desperately looked for cars where the twins pointed, even though they both knew he was excavating in the wrong location. To Al ruining his expensive tailored suit was a small price to pay if it meant he could play with his sons.
Watching them having so much fun together was a distraction she couldn’t afford.
Jane surveyed the area again.
When she turned around she saw that a previously unobserved woman had joined the man behind the cart.
She could feel the remaining moisture draining out of her throat.
There was one person in line in front of her. Jane flexed her hand before she reached into her bag and prepared herself for the worse. Meetings like this always put her on edge and could be hazardous to her health. At least she was out in the open, unlike the time inside the rubbled hospital remains in Iran when the only thing she accomplished was getting out alive. She had been with the CIA for almost fifteen years and in her department danger came with the job. Now, as an operative assigned to gather intel on a black market arms dealer, she expected to find herself in situations that put her life at risk. However, being in such close proximity to her family was a whole different kind of scared.
It was her turn. “Do you have black cherry?”
“No, Madam,” said the man. “That’s only a special when my wife decides to make it.”
“Think she’ll make it anytime soon?”
“Maybe Tuesday.”
Letting go of the gun in her bag she pulled out her wallet. “Then I’ll just take two small chocolate cones.”
Jane watched his every move.
He handed her the ice cream and she handed him the payment wrapped around a memory card.
For the first time since entering the park she took a breath as if it wasn’t her last.
Without thinking she licked the ice cream of one of the cones. Knowing whichever twin got it was sure to perceive it as some kind of slight, she licked the other one too. Jacob ran towards her at full speed. He took a cone in one hand, took her hand with his other and
began dragging her back from where he came.
Jane watched Al chasing Jason around a bench. He leaped over it just as Jason dove under it, popping up on the other side laughing. Walking back she heard Al laugh too. Usually the sound of his laughing was comforting. Today it shivered her. Jane
couldn’t help but think how bringing down a black market arms dealer would be so less complicated if he wasn’t such a good father to their children.
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I like the effect you're trying to convey. I would tighten the sentences with people in front of her. Just snap words. Two, now. One person left. (She's alerted so keep her thoughts sharp.) I feel like the descriptions are too clean for her state of mind. I liked the gun holding part for that. Most phrases with descriptor I would take out to create the sense of urgency (those barred). This is my opinion of course. I like the twist at the end, but I think we need to get there a bit faster and tightening your sentences will help with that. Rule of thumb verbs like think, feel, see, look are indicative of telling and are not needed, except in very few cases. Hope it helps!
