Author Topic: A Space Pirate Adventure - Contest entry 2023  (Read 208 times)

Offline DrCCat

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A Space Pirate Adventure - Contest entry 2023
« on: January 05, 2023, 05:20:33 AM »
This is my 3rd attempt in the L. Ron Hubbard sci-fi writing contest. Last year I made it to the finals with a Bitchin' Space Pirate Adventure, before that I made it to the semi-finals. So this year Im going to try it again with another character, a cyborg cat. Please let me know what you think...

Opening:

"Greetings and salutations Mouser 3141926, another glorious galactic-standard day has begun with Halcyon-Lux Cruise Lines," said a soft spoken female-like voice. "Please proceed to cubicle 357 for your daily assignment."

I opened my eyes, my vision adjusted dispite constant the constant flicker and buzzing of the florescent lighting. Somewhere in the back of my positronic-brain, a distance voice that was just beyond the horizon called to me. Before I could analyze this any further, my limiter chip reminded me that my brothers and sisters were waiting for me for our daily affirmation.
Aut inveniam viam aut faciam - attributed to General Hannibal

Offline susan-louise

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Re: A Space Pirate Adventure - Contest entry 2023
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2023, 01:11:58 PM »
Good luck with this year's submission. Love the concept of a cyborg feline. I think the sample needs tightening.  Made some suggestions - which may or may not be helpful.

"Greetings and salutations Mouser 3141926, another glorious galactic-standard day has begun with Halcyon-Lux Cruise Lines," said a softly spoken female-like (why not "feminine voice"? The unusual opening  risks being eclipsed by overwriting)  "Please proceed to cubicle 357 for your daily assignment." (My interest is piqued...I'm already curious)

I opened my eyes, my vision adjusted dispite (sp. "despite)  constant the constant flicker and buzzing of the florescent lighting. )This is clunky. Can you tighten? For example:"I cracked open my eyes, and despite the flicker and buzzing of florescent lighting, my vision adjusted.  Somewhere in the back of my positronic-brain, (had to google, so thank you for a new word!)) a distance voice that was just beyond the horizon called to me. Before I could analyze this any further, my limiter chip reminded me that my brothers and sisters were waiting for me for our daily affirmation.  (interesting.)
« Last Edit: January 05, 2023, 01:40:30 PM by susan-louise »

Offline MichelleG

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Re: A Space Pirate Adventure - Contest entry 2023
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2023, 04:10:19 PM »
The main character is a cyborg feline - love it

Agree with other comment
« Last Edit: January 06, 2023, 12:30:39 AM by MichelleG »
"You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of isolation and the impunity with which crime may be committed there." - Sherlock Homes, The Copper Beeches - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Offline MFeuerman

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Re: A Space Pirate Adventure - Contest entry 2023
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2023, 07:48:12 PM »
Intriguing and yay! for something old school Asimov-ish.

Would a hint as to what the distant voice said help to make this more intriguing?

Something cryptic, of course, otherwise it would not need analyzing.

I would keep on reading.