Author Topic: Diego Luna and the Serenity Stone - MG Fantasy  (Read 240 times)

Offline gman

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Diego Luna and the Serenity Stone - MG Fantasy
« on: January 17, 2023, 02:49:45 PM »
A young man must conquer his inner demons to defeat the devil.


A young shaman suffering from bipolar disorder is tasked with defeating his dark side and saving the world.

A young bipolar shaman is tasked by his dead father to save the world from an evil warlock.
« Last Edit: January 23, 2023, 11:57:47 AM by gman »

Offline DDayney

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Re: Diego Luna and the Serenity Stone - MG Fantasy
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2023, 06:01:28 AM »
I'm pretty new here, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt, but I think we need to know more about the young man. Some kind of detail to make us see him and care. Otherwise, I think it works.

Offline gman

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Re: Diego Luna and the Serenity Stone - MG Fantasy
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2023, 02:55:01 PM »
Pitch rewritten. Let me know what you think!  :)

Offline susan-louise

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Re: Diego Luna and the Serenity Stone - MG Fantasy
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2023, 10:40:49 PM »
Gman, this is good but raises two questions: tasked by whom,  and  saving the world from what?  So if you decided to address, you could accommodate the extra words by cutting a few.

A young bipolar shaman is tasked etc...

A young shaman suffering from bipolar disorder is tasked with defeating his dark side and saving the world.
« Last Edit: January 23, 2023, 04:28:30 AM by susan-louise »

Offline gman

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Re: Diego Luna and the Serenity Stone - MG Fantasy
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2023, 11:57:06 AM »
Revised. Thank you, Susan!

Offline DDayney

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Re: Diego Luna and the Serenity Stone - MG Fantasy
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2023, 08:25:30 AM »
I think your newest version is great. Good job.

Offline gman

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Re: Diego Luna and the Serenity Stone - MG Fantasy
« Reply #6 on: January 24, 2023, 10:51:25 AM »
Thanks DDaynee! Third time's the charm lol.

Offline kaperton

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Re: Diego Luna and the Serenity Stone - MG Fantasy
« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 02:18:39 PM »

A young bipolar shaman is tasked by his dead father to save the world from an evil warlock.

Sorry to complicate things, but I thought the current thinking was that it's better not to use mental illnesses as an adjective, but rather to say, "A young shaman with bipolar disorder" (and not "suffering from"). To use illness as an adjective implies that it's a defining part of the person. But please don't take my word for it because sensibilities change and I could be behind on this. Just thought it was something you should look into if you haven't already.