Author Topic: CROWN OF VENGEANCE -Adult fantasy  (Read 127 times)

Offline Jonas73

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CROWN OF VENGEANCE -Adult fantasy
« on: January 25, 2023, 12:51:28 PM »
The query letter was almost harder to write than the actual story itself! :D


Dear [Agent]

On Tangerine’s tenth birthday, her mother pushes her into the raging river below their house. To save her life. Tangerine plunges into the river an orphan, her life sliced apart by the killer.

Fated to follow in her father’s footsteps, the great merchant Eric Bana, Tangerine gives in to the growing desire for revenge instead. Turning eighteen she joins the ancient Brotherhood from where the assassin came, determined to find him and the conspirators.

Now, at the age of twenty-five, Tangerine is a name within the Brotherhood but her quest for revenge is a surge without focus. However, during an assignment, Tangerine comes across a murderous conspiracy that puts her parents’ murder in a new light. Not only was her father killed in a political struggle for power, but the assassin hired for the job turns out to be her unknown uncle.

Realizing there is more to her past than what she knows, Tangerine prowls on, determined to find answers. And revenge. Her sweat and effort unearth a planned regicide, takes her to the royal keep where she gains the empress’ friendship, makes her a partner in a soon-to-prosper trading company, and finally, lands her in front of her uncle about to kill the emperor during a public appearance.

From that crowd, Tangerine’s sister watches Tangerine fight for her life. Well aware that the power she possesses is the very reason she was hidden away at birth, she still draws on them to aid her.

As much as A CROWN OF VENGEANCE is a complete adult fantasy novel at 137 000 words, it could well serve as the start of a series.
My diverse diet of fantasy (since a very young age) has had a great influence on how I write, and I believe A CROWN OF VENGEANCE will appeal to readers enjoying the fast pace and grittiness of Joe Abercrombie as much as the readers of Trudi Canavan. 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Offline kaperton

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Re: CROWN OF VENGEANCE -Adult fantasy
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2023, 11:15:51 AM »
I don't read fantasy, so I'm not the best person to comment on the details of your story, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt.

Dear [Agent]

On Tangerine’s tenth birthday, her mother pushes her into the raging river below their house. To save her life. Tangerine plunges into the river an orphan, her life sliced apart by the killer. This is a little confusing. I know you don't mean it literally, but putting "life," "sliced apart," and "killer" in the same sentence made me think, "Wait, did she die?" Maybe it could be "her world sliced apart" or "her family sliced apart"?

Fated to follow in her father’s footsteps the footsteps of her father, the great merchant Eric Bana, Tangerine gives in to the growing desire for revenge instead. Turning "At" or "When she turns" eighteen she joins the ancient Brotherhood from where the assassin came, determined to find him and the conspirators.

Now, at the age of twenty-five, Tangerine is has made? a name within the Brotherhood but her quest for revenge is a surge without focus. HoweverThen, during an assignment, Tangerine comes across a murderous conspiracy that puts her parents’ murder in a new light. Not only was her father killed in a political struggle for power, but the assassin hired for the job turns out to be was her unknown uncle. [It wasn't clear to me before now that she didn't already know who the killer was. When you called him "the killer" in the first paragraph, and then when T. went to find him in the second paragraph, I thought she knew who he was. So maybe make it clear earlier that she needs to find out who he is, not just where he is.]

Realizing there is more to her past than what she knows, Tangerine prowls on, is determined to find answers. And revenge. [You've already made it clear she wants revenge.] Her sweat and effort unearth a planned regicide, takes her to the royal keep where she gains the empress’ friendship, makes her a partner in a soon-to-prosper trading company, and finally, lands her in front of her uncle about to kill the emperor during a public appearance. I had to read this sentence three times. Is "her sweat and effort" the subject of all of these verbs? Her sweat and effort makes her a partner in a trading company? I don't feel like it really works. It might work if you pick one word instead of two. How about "her determination"?

From that crowd, Tangerine’s sister watches Tangerine fight for her life. Well aware that the power she [who? Tangerine or her sister?] possesses is the very reason she [who?] was hidden away at birth, she still draws on them [who or what is them?] to aid her.

As much as A CROWN OF VENGEANCE is a complete adult fantasy novel at 137 000 words, but it could well serve as the start of a series.
My diverse diet of fantasy (since a very young age) has had a great influence on how I write, and I believe A CROWN OF VENGEANCE will appeal to readers enjoying the fast pace and grittiness of Joe Abercrombie as much as the readers of Trudi Canavan.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2023, 11:18:57 AM by kaperton »