Dear Mr. Smow,
Surfing the web, I saw your blog. After hours of dwelling, I'm with you irregardless of all the bad press you, your agency, and you're family has been getting. I wouldn't worry, Joe. Before you know it, things always turn around without doing anything at all. Like you, I believe that nothing should be wasted, no matter how misunderstood. Like this KFC flyer for instance- why recycle the paper when I can reuse it now? The recycle centers are just as full as the landfills and the sooner we, as a society, realize that we must personally recycle our daily habits, the sooner 'recycle' will actually mean recycle, not 'start a new place to dump stuff so we can get more funding'. But I digress.
I'm actually writing to you about my book because your an agent and I know agents know how to work the publishers and all the good publisher's are 'agent only'. Sounds like a conspiracy to me, but I don't make the rules. I know you say you don't prefer fiction, but I figure you didn't say "absolutely not" for a reason. I think you actually like fiction in RL, and that its just that you just haven't seen the right fiction. Before you continue reading, please open gift bag marked "A", follow the directions, tagged on each enclosed item in steps 1-5, then come back to discover the best book ever written in the entire universe. Definitely not an exaggeration; you have every reason to trust me.
Now that you have a ceremonial cup of my special blend "KavaMoonDream" and have lit the enclosed patchouli candles with the ceremonial firestick, close you're office blind's on society and allow the combination of multiple aromas to drift you're emotional senses into the realm of my making. Please take a moment to open the gift box marked "B"
The calligraphy, you see, is no ordinary, computer-generated, technological font, but the handwritten work of the ancient Dreamwear Maker's, featured in my book, which also happens to be the name of this one-of-a-kind, master peace, which you see here, before you. Todays' reader is tired of reading the same tireless ordinary computer-degenerated technological boring font. They want something knew. Notice the paper. In honour of Greek mythology, each page is hand crafted traditionally. No expense has been spared on this one-of-a-kind original. Nothing compares to what has not been done before. The cover. The last of my neighbor's 4H lamb, treated and stained in the latest Native American Fashion.
the entire book is about 6,000 words, but handwritten like this, and with handmade paper like this, the binding equals, as you can see, about 4 inches. But these days, its rather quite trendy to lug backbreaking novels in backpacks. I'm not concerned in the slightest
Much of the language in my book is completely original, and its only fare that fans have assistance, otherwise, it's hard to no what's going on. Therefore, I'm currently working on a glossary pocketbook to be sold as a package deal necessity. I think this is marketing geniusness.
When I started this book, my mom said I'd never make it, because I have no "experience". But look at me now? Critique sites and writing classes and how-to books strive to conform innocent, creative thinkers/writers (take your pick). I really really believe that my lack of instruction and lack of knowing what's out their will only serve to make me a more original. More creative. More sensitive, I see myself as a out-of-the-box writer. Absolutely everything being published these days sucks absolutely. This book is perfect and ready to go. Of all the agents in the world, Jo, I choose you to fly with this pure form of fortune, because I knew in my heart that your a moral person. You deserve this more then any one
The other reason I know you and me were meant to be is because did you notice my return address? You live in my exact same state! And even better when I googled you're name I saw one of the articles you wrote for your child's school newsletter and that's how I got you're real name! Like, this could be so fun! I could transfer my kids to your school and we could be friends outside of writing! I did a search on houses for sale just out of curiosity of course and saw one 3 blocks from your exact house! (got your address from the Dex white pages once I figured out you're real name!! Very clever, you are!!) Is that such a huge coinqiedink or what? Our kids are one grade apart! I could even watch your kids while you do the agent thing because I know your wife works at the children's clinic! See? It's taken me a year to do it, but rest assures that I've done all my research!! This was a match waiting to happen!! Fate!!
Anyway; since I'm almost out of room for one page; since I here query letters shalln't be longer than one page, I'll close by saying I looked forward to seeing you. (Oops, guess its going to be longer than one page after all. Restarting on the back (front) by the green astrix- clockwise around the KFC man)
*agent flips the slightly grease-stained mustard-yellow paper over to look for the green sharpy scriggles*
Anyway, if for some reason your happy with wear you are, (I truly understand with all that bad publicity lately) and don't want to increase you're income (as if), than please send my original artwork back to me. And the ceremonial cup. And I hope you enjoyed the KavaMoonDream. And no worries. According to the FDA, Kava is not yet considered an illegal substance.
Love always,
Rock Tumbler, (not a pen name)Author Extraordinaire
PS I really am your biggest fan and your daughter is gorgeous; I found out she works at the pizzaria on 5th
PSS My mom knows a guy who used to date girl whose mom works for Pixar. I'm more than happy too pass the name along, once all this is off the ground, because I here they always always looking for the hottest thing!
