Author Topic: querying my new book  (Read 1925 times)

Offline pilot27407

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querying my new book
« on: May 09, 2009, 07:45:53 PM »
Dear Jo Blow,
I’ve decided to start querying my new book and to finally offer for publication my 1,738,964-word epopee, THE WORLD'S HISTORY ACCORDING TO HARP, and want to say that along with 3,428 other agents, you’re the lucky recipient of my personalized query, which details the documented memoirs (based on uncontroversial historically acknowledged hearsay), of the planet’s most renowned figures, which includes but are not limited to such iconic personalities as: Hellena of Pry (who’s face scuttled 1,000 ships), Ramsey The Zoro (famous forefather of Ramsey The First ─for I was told by eminent Egyptologist Dr. Fu Can’tchew, that there’s a undeniable resemblance of their mummies), Hannibal the unifier of empires, Nero the poet turned charismatic emperor and the father of the firefighters union, Attila the Huniade and his peaceful attempt at creating an European Community and a strong and viable Euro, Muhammad ibn-Abdullah and his 70 virgin wives which helped created the Muslim world by giving him 365 sons, 813 daughters and 1,072 of undetermined sex, Merovech (please note his Jewish name), founder of the Merovingian dynasty ─tracing their roots not to Jesus, as an uninformed Da Vinci wrote in code ─but to Iscariot (who used the fortune he’d got from Pilate to buy a piece of land from the Francs); at this point I would like to mention that all of those reports com from Herodotus’ eye-witness accounts and that the following historical facts come from Gutenberg’s Black Book, which has been passed as a heirloom in my family for the past 3,691 years, 6 months, 14 days, 8 hours and 42 minutes (sorry, 43 now), and depicts the second, eight, nineteenth and sixty-fourth phase of the Middle-Ages, starting with Marco Polo’s search for the fountain of youth in the Amazon and how, because of a faulty compass, he’d ended up in China, and going on to: Elizabeth I and her ill fated love relation with the Viking Tsar Ho Shi Ming, Ivan IV (the terrible) and his bid to become pope, Martin Luther and his proclamation (plagiarized from the Gettysburg address), Sultan Bayazid’s humanitarian mission to Eastern and Central Europe, the cooperation between Emperor Justinian and Dr Mendel in devising the anti bubonic plague anti-serum, Dr Franklin’s covert mission (by order of King Richard the Third, grandson of George the Third ─the Third is the family name) to draw French ships of the line towards America’s coast where they could be attacked by the Barbary Pirates (with help from al-Queda), Bonaparte and his life of luxury at Gitmo, Garibaldi and his red shirts, which when turned brown were given to Ernest Rohm and when turned black were sent back to Italy to be worn by Mussolini, and moving on to recent history and the exploits of Hitler and Mussolini and their masterplan to get the Marshall plan to help European economy, the Cuban Crisis (when for two weeks America was left without bananas), the Cold War ─fought as the name implies in Antarctica, for control over Ice Station Zebra (largest platform drilling for crude), Saddam and his invasion of the Medellin Cartel because the Kuwaiti King called all Iraqi women ‘ten dollar whores’; I also must mention that my book included juicy love affairs like those of: Cleopatra (Jones) and Mark Anthony, Richard Sorge and Cio-Cio San (who became immortalized in Puccini’s movie “to hell and back”), Eva Braun (Stalin’s illegitimate daughter) and Vasily Dzhugashvili (Himmler’s grandson); by now, I’m sure you’re awed by my research and knowledge, and speechless as to my command of the English language (I could had as easily written it in Russian, Greek, Swahili, Sanskrit, or Brail), and without any further delay I’m hereby attaching the first three chapters, 56,481 words, which have been crafted with the use of an automated thesaurus program and have been masterfully compacted into two full sentences; so if overcome with admiration as to my many talents, please feel free to call me any time (as long as it’s between 4:36 AM and 3:28 FM Tombuctu time zone)…. Sincerely XXXXXXXXX (the thumb print stand for my signature, it’s so much more personal)