Nurse Ratchet Literary Agency
Attn: Agent Ratchet
Top Floor of Tall Building
NY,NY 00000-0000
Dear Agent Ratchet:
In my novel, ATTACK OF THE CHIGGERS, global warming has caused an explosion in the chigger population in America, sending people indoors for cover. Robert (Chig) Langdroff, the country's leading authority on chiggers, is summoned to Washington, D.C., from his home in the Mississippi Delta, to offer a solution to the chigger crisis. Robert meets with the President and the President's top Scientific Advisor, Nancy Snatchit, a beautiful, but aggressive young woman bent on preventing the banning of makeup and perfumes even if Robert's advice might help prevent an exponential growth in the chigger population.
Robert realizes his first task is to win Miss Snatchit's trust. As Robert and Nancy lock horns and scratch chigger bites, millions of the nation's outdoor sporting events are put on hold, causing a tremendous decline in beverage and fast food sales, resulting in a national decline in obesity, causing a surge in online clothing sales, home cooking and family time. The White House grounds are soon engulfed by chiggers. The vast horde-of-chiggers are too much, even for the mightiest military in the world. As a last resort, Robert calls for help from some Good O' Boys. While everyone else in the country stays indoors, two Good O' Mississippi Boys, immune to Chiggers, begin to mount an offensive just north of the Mississippi State Line. The Good O' Boys drive their truck toward Washington, D.C. killing billions of chiggers all along the way. The lethal gas, used to kill the chiggers, is emitted from their truck, as the Good O' Boys drink plenty of beer and eat lots of barbecue. Before long, the two arrive in Washington to a heroes welcome. Everyone appears happy until one of the Good O' Boys unintentionally releases some of the lethal gas amongst a crowd of well wishes, sending thousands of people scrabbling back indoors for cover.
Robert wins Nancy's trust in the Lincoln bedroom. They get married and move to Alaska, where no chigger has ever lived long enough to cause any trouble. The President takes credit for reducing obesity, the upswing in online clothing sales, and the national movement toward more family time.
Market Research: Having been bitten by more than a few chiggers, I can tell you chiggers are one of the most feared creatures on the planet. More people are attacked by chiggers than all other forms of wildlife in this country. One person can sustain literally hundreds of attacks in one outdoor walk to the barbecue grill. Just ask my husband about it, or worse, make him take off his shirt off so you can count the bites. I have enclosed a picture for your benefit. Yes, I know, my husband needs to loose some weight. I've been telling him that for years, but he won't give up beer, nor barbecue.
Attack of the Chiggers (Horror) runs about 196,000 words. I had to use really small print to keep it under four hundred pages. May I send you my first draft?
Thank you for your time. You do not have to return the picture of my husband.
Earllean Katherine Goodwall (People call me EKG for short)
State Ranger, Alaskan Swamp Specialist
