Author Topic: I have been trying to sell this book for awhile ( What's wrong with my query?)  (Read 13037 times)

Offline Nostrabuttus

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Nurse Ratchet Literary Agency
Attn: Agent Ratchet
Top Floor of Tall Building
NY,NY 00000-0000

Dear Agent Ratchet:

In my novel, ATTACK OF THE CHIGGERS, global warming has caused an explosion in the chigger population in America, sending people indoors for cover. Robert (Chig) Langdroff, the country's leading authority on chiggers, is summoned to Washington, D.C., from his home in the Mississippi Delta, to offer a solution to the chigger crisis. Robert meets with the President and the President's top Scientific Advisor, Nancy Snatchit, a beautiful, but aggressive young woman bent on preventing the banning of makeup and perfumes even if Robert's advice might help prevent an exponential growth in the chigger population.

Robert realizes his first task is to win Miss Snatchit's trust. As Robert and Nancy lock horns and scratch chigger bites, millions of the nation's outdoor sporting events are put on hold, causing a tremendous decline in beverage and fast food sales, resulting in a national decline in obesity, causing a surge in online clothing sales, home cooking and family time. The White House grounds are soon engulfed by chiggers. The vast horde-of-chiggers are too much, even for the mightiest military in the world. As a last resort, Robert calls for help from some Good O' Boys. While everyone else in the country stays indoors, two Good O' Mississippi Boys, immune to Chiggers, begin to mount an offensive just north of the Mississippi State Line. The Good O' Boys drive their truck toward Washington, D.C. killing billions of chiggers all along the way. The lethal gas, used to kill the chiggers, is emitted from their truck, as the Good O' Boys drink plenty of beer and eat lots of barbecue. Before long, the two arrive in Washington to a heroes welcome. Everyone appears happy until one of the Good O' Boys unintentionally releases some of the lethal gas amongst a crowd of well wishes, sending thousands of people scrabbling back indoors for cover.

Robert wins Nancy's trust in the Lincoln bedroom. They get married and move to Alaska, where no chigger has ever lived long enough to cause any trouble. The President takes credit for reducing obesity, the upswing in online clothing sales, and the national movement toward more family time.

Market Research: Having been bitten by more than a few chiggers, I can tell you chiggers are one of the most feared creatures on the planet. More people are attacked by chiggers than all other forms of wildlife in this country. One person can sustain literally hundreds of attacks in one outdoor walk to the barbecue grill. Just ask my husband about it, or worse, make him take off his shirt off so you can count the bites. I have enclosed a picture for your benefit. Yes, I know, my husband needs to loose some weight. I've been telling him that for years, but he won't give up beer, nor barbecue.

Attack of the Chiggers (Horror) runs about 196,000 words. I had to use really small print to keep it under four hundred pages. May I send you my first draft?

Thank you for your time. You do not have to return the picture of my husband.

Earllean Katherine Goodwall (People call me EKG for short)
State Ranger, Alaskan Swamp Specialist       
« Last Edit: May 09, 2013, 02:12:33 PM by Nostrabuttus »
Author of humorous short stories, mainstream suspense, mystery, and thriller novels.

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Offline Miss Java

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Now I'm feeling all itchy for some reason.


 ;D

Offline Patrick

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With this kind of imagination, your real work must be amazing.  :popcorn:

Lilly_Grant

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Didnt they already make this into a movie?

Lotheus

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Yeah, it was called Deliverance Meets Mr Smith as he Goes to Washington.  LOG LINE!!!

Offline Nostrabuttus

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Lannie,

Words alone are not enough to tell you how much your post meant to me. The only other person I can remember to use the word insanely warped is my psycho therapist. She uses the word often in our sessions, usually in a sentence like the following one. Your logic is insanely warped. How can you possibly expect people to take you seriously?

My typical response is something like this: And you're charging me how much per hour?

I'm sending karma your way. :) Thanks Lannie.


Author of humorous short stories, mainstream suspense, mystery, and thriller novels.

https://jmdavisauthor.wordpress.com/
Twitter: @jmdavisauthor
http://jacklabloom.blogspot.com/

Offline Iris

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This sounds so good, I actually want to see this movie!

(Why is the "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" theme running through my head?)

Offline joanjunkmail

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This sounds so good, I actually want to see this movie!

(Why is the "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" theme running through my head?)
clooney's in that one, too - but, not all nice-n-nekkid like solaris (yum)
be nice to me or zombies will eat you in my novel
Proud Member of NGHS (even though I'm a pirate)

Offline Nostrabuttus

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Thank you Karatebum

I'm not sure Hollywood is reading this forum so I may need to send the script to a Hollywood movie producer. Since I don't know any movie producers personally, I'll probably send a copy to all of them and let them fight over it. And then of course there's the sequel. I guess I better get started on it right away. Oh lord, another project. 
Author of humorous short stories, mainstream suspense, mystery, and thriller novels.

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Offline estelle

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*ROFL*  Ok, this thread alone has convinced me that I MUST be a part of this forum.   :up:

Offline Alien

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Your novel query as it stands is doomed to failure.
Chigger is an offensive term, symbolizing many years of oppressive swatting. The term is acceptable only when made from one chigger to another. The preferred term is "mite." (You can reference www.mite-is-right for more information.)
You probably don't want to offend an agent with such a vulgar insensitivity. I recommend a "search and replace" before sending.

Offline estelle

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Ok now wait a minute.  I wasn't going to say anything about the use of the term "chiggers", but in reality here in the south we refer to those little critters as redbugs.  Just my 2 cents.  :wink:

Offline Nostrabuttus

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Welcome aboard, estelle.  :clap:

I appreciate your 2 cents. I need all I can get. :wink:
Author of humorous short stories, mainstream suspense, mystery, and thriller novels.

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Offline Nostrabuttus

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Thank you, Alien. Your input is more than welcome. I am not surprised. I have written several novels doomed to failure.

I am considering giving up writing to become a Chigmologist. With global warming what it is, Chigmology might be an explosive career improvement for someone like me.
Author of humorous short stories, mainstream suspense, mystery, and thriller novels.

https://jmdavisauthor.wordpress.com/
Twitter: @jmdavisauthor
http://jacklabloom.blogspot.com/

Offline Faolmor

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I just spat coffee all over my computer screen...

 :clap:
"One of our patients is a cannibal.  Try to guess which one!  I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."