Listen up. There'll be no "dear" in this letter, unless it's the "deer" staring into my headlights. I'm about fed up with you agents, sitting up there on your high-horses and
shootin' down my queries. Just read the
book already!
In fact, I'm not even gonna give you a pitch (unless it's one right up the side of your head
) . I'm just telling you--you better read this book.
If I have to, I'll march myself straight to the Big Apple and you'll be munching on paper instead of fruit.
I will not accept the following rejections...
Form Rejections (this is what I think of those
)
Reject Due to Length (okay, so it's 250,000 pages long with ten maps and spans three lifetimes)
Reject Due to Genre (what can you not like? I have it all--it's a paranormal fantasy romance in a historical setting written like a memoir in a literary voice with commercial appeal)
Reject due to Narrative Voice (send me this kind of rejection and you'll get a clear example of my voice when I show up at your office and
, cause actions speak louder than words)
I will also not listen to any nonsense about errors in my writing, holes in the plot, or typos. If you find those, then you can just start working weekends and fix 'em yourself.
I also better warn you I'm grumpy before noon, so it's best not to call me then. Oh, and don't call while I'm eating supper (that's around 5 pm). And DEFINITELY don't call me when American Idol is on. I don't work weekends and holidays, so those are out too. In fact, just shoot me an email and I'll set up an appointment for you to call me. And you better have a proposal in hand before you waste anymore of my time
.
Author
