Author Topic: A Scary Query  (Read 3373 times)

Offline A_Greenlief

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A Scary Query
« on: March 01, 2010, 08:52:35 PM »
Listen up.  There'll be no "dear" in this letter, unless it's the "deer" staring into my headlights.  I'm about fed up with you agents, sitting up there on your high-horses and  :draw: shootin' down my queries.  Just read the  :censored: book already! 

In fact, I'm not even gonna give you a pitch (unless it's one right up the side of your head  :ninja: ) .  I'm just telling you--you better read this book.   >:D  If I have to, I'll march myself straight to the Big Apple and you'll be munching on paper instead of fruit. 

I will not accept the following rejections...

Form Rejections (this is what I think of those  :cbash: )
Reject Due to Length (okay, so it's 250,000 pages long with ten maps and spans three lifetimes)
Reject Due to Genre (what can you not like?  I have it all--it's a paranormal fantasy romance in a historical setting written like a memoir in a literary voice with commercial appeal)
Reject due to Narrative Voice (send me this kind of rejection and you'll get a clear example of my voice when I show up at your office and  :moom: , cause actions speak louder than words)

I will also not listen to any nonsense about errors in my writing, holes in the plot, or typos.  If you find those, then you can just start working weekends and fix 'em yourself. 

I also better warn you I'm grumpy before noon, so it's best not to call me then.  Oh, and don't call while I'm eating supper (that's around 5 pm).  And DEFINITELY don't call me when American Idol is on.  I don't work weekends and holidays, so those are out too.  In fact, just shoot me an email and I'll set up an appointment for you to call me.  And you better have a proposal in hand before you waste anymore of my time  :mad: .

 :pirate3:  Author
« Last Edit: March 01, 2010, 08:54:36 PM by A_Greenlief »
"Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway."  John Wayne

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Offline pilot27407

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Re: A Scary Query
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2010, 09:33:19 PM »
just perfect

Offline EvaBrick

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Re: A Scary Query
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2010, 10:59:21 AM »
Quote
In fact, I'm not even gonna give you a pitch (unless it's one right up the side of your head  :ninja: ) .

My tea nearly came out my nose. Bravo. :clap:

Offline Isabella Morgan

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Re: A Scary Query
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2010, 04:18:16 PM »

 :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:

Love it.

Offline A_Greenlief

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Re: A Scary Query
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2010, 09:07:38 PM »
Writing the worst query ever is actually good therapy for a struggling author (as long as you don't actually send it...can you imagine an agent's reaction to this letter?!   :crazy: ).
"Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway."  John Wayne

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Offline Nostrabuttus

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Re: A Scary Query
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2010, 10:32:13 PM »
Writing the worst query ever is actually good therapy for a struggling author (as long as you don't actually send it...can you imagine an agent's reaction to this letter?!   :crazy: ).

If you ever do send out a worst query to an agent, I advise sending a box of chocolates along with it.
Author of humorous short stories, mainstream suspense, mystery, and thriller novels.

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Offline A_Greenlief

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Re: A Scary Query
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2010, 08:51:23 PM »
I think I should send a whole truck load of chocolate.  Every week.  Until the agent is so fat she can't move out of the chair she's crammed into.  That way she'll have more time on her hands to make requests and read MS's instead of clicking the form rejections button.
"Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway."  John Wayne

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