Author Topic: Not sure what to do  (Read 2602 times)

Offline Alniah

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Not sure what to do
« on: September 20, 2010, 11:10:47 AM »
Ok I got an offer to revise and resubmit on my first chapter. I did some changes, swapped things around and deleted some parts but I am not sure if what I did was right.

The agent asked me to start the fighting scene sooner and get rid of the narrative which she thought slowed the action down. So I cut that entire beginning off and started right in the arena. But now I am wondering if that was what she wanted me to do.

Is that how revisions usually are? Or are you supposed to rewrite the entire thing fresh?
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Offline Kimmy

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2010, 12:24:53 PM »
Congrats and best of luck - you are one step closer to getting an agent! :clap: :clap: :clap: Otherwise I cant give any advice on the revise/resub because it hasnt happened to me :'(
Kimmy :)

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Offline lexcade

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2010, 12:35:45 PM »
i think you've done right, alniah. if the agent wanted you to get to the action, then you should start in the arena. start with your MC killing something, i guess. start with meat, and get to the veggies later

which apparently, you've done. if you want to post your beginning here, we'll look at it ;D

lex
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Offline tradergirl

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2010, 12:43:24 PM »
I feel your pain!  Can you set it aside for a few days and then come back with "fresh eyes?"

I was once asked to revise and resubmit an entire novel.  I purposely wrote a new part at the beginning, just so the agent would sit up and say 'oh, that is new.'  At the time it seemed that the worst result would be if the agent couldn't tell I'd tried to follow the instructions.

Can you make one tiny new observation at the start of that fight scene?  Maybe there's a detail that introduces the character's state of mind just as the first punch is thrown?

You can do it!

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Offline Magic_Seeker

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2010, 02:17:12 PM »
I think you've done the right thing.  When you're ready, post it in First Five.

I just went back and read your last post there.  I think I'd encourage you to start when she walks deeper into the arena, just after the crowd chants for the other fighter.  Introduce her first, then the chants, then unlock the shackles.  Something along that line.  Work some of the crowd reaction inbetween her actions, but keep it brief.  Don't let her stand around observing - the crowd, the ringmaster, anything.  My 2c, of course!

Trust your readers.  We don't need much to get set up as long as you feed us tidbits of info along the way.
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Offline Alniah

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2010, 03:43:50 PM »
Below is pretty much my first four. I pretty much tried to get rid of the extra info and focus on the action. The only thing is now I can't tell whether the reader will be confused and lost or actually get it. Let me know what ya'll think and  thanks again :-)


Axia felt the audience’s eyes on her. Their sadistic curiosity was shameless and made her feel soiled. She knew she probably did not look like much right now, five feet six, petite frame and weapons tucked in. She would make sure to make them regret underestimating her.

The precursor’s voice echoed out, filling the arena with its deep and taunting tones, to introduce the Owned.

“Ladies and gentlemen! To my right you will find Faulxis Axia. Cute, isn’t she? But don’t let her innocent eyes and seductive clothing fool you…or she may just cut your heart out!”

Axia would have gladly cut his heart out.

She looked down at her clothes covering the temple of violence that was her body. They had nothing to do with being seductive. She was wearing a black suit made of Fixagil that hugged her body like a second skin, molding her muscles and outlining her figure. Her shoulders and arms were bare; the fabric stretched on her torso and thighs, hints of skin showing through the thin fabric.

 “Now” the precursor continued. “It seems that our second fighter needs some encouragement. But we all know that she will get the work done.
Blood, pain and would you like guts with that?”

The crowd laughed before starting to chant as if to lure Axia’s opponent out:

“I’Saljya! I’Saljya! I’Saljya,” the name of her rival. Axia knew better than to get angry about their fervency. Anger never brought anything good, and breaking her focus would not change anything but make her vulnerable.

She made her way deeper in the arena, reaching its center and facing the empty opening where the other Owned would appear. She waited.  The crowd was ready. Their eyes stared, fists pounding the air with the rhythm of their voice. Axia could almost feel their quickened breath on her skin.

The shackles disappeared, freeing her arms. She unlocked her internal restraint, beginning the last phase of her preparation when she could release her weapons. The tension in her core rose; her nerves, reacting to the imminent danger, vivified. A flood of chemical reactions spread within her body, sharpening her senses. She looked at her limbs instinctively. The sharp blades ran along her forearms, emerging from her flesh. Their graft was flawless. No delineation marked her skin where the metal fused with her tissue.

The perforating needles that formed her nails emerged, merging perfectly with her skin. A flat extremity shaped the tip of her fingers perfectly, thinning to form murderous pikes. Their metallic color was shocking against the pale pink of her sunless skin. Those pieces of metal were her only means of survival.

“People of Galima, I give you, Maxist I’Saljya!”   

The crowd applauded.

Axia raised her head. Her opponent, maybe the last she would ever face, was making her way towards her. She walked purposefully slow, taking in as much of the crowd’s excitement as she could. She was muscular and manly. Her height was massive and her strength obviously greater than Axia’s.

Damn, am I fighting a boy after all? Axia exclaimed in her mind.

The Maxist was over one foot taller than Axia.  Her body was straight, without any curves: her shoulders were wide, her hips narrow and her legs could have belonged to a bodybuilder. Her tanned skin stressed the muscles carving her body. What appeared to have been dark hair had been shaved short, leaving one thin line in the middle of her scalp about one inch high.

And an ugly one at that.

Her face was even less attractive than the rest of her body. The physical changes performed had enhanced the uncontested Emualde ugliness. It was there that the difference with a humanoid could be drawn. The eyes were yellow, cat-like and furtive, no white. The brow was a series of hairy spikes, the lashes nonexistent. The cheeks were meatless and carved, accentuating the protrusion of the animal teeth. The lips were thin, barely closing on the transplanted maw. Her ears were slits, dark lines on each side of the head. Dark brown vessels threaded under the colored skin, furrowing the bare scalp and forehead.

She is strong but I know I can use my agility to my advantage, Axia coached herself.

Axia’s focus did not waver as the Maxist stopped a few feet in front of her. Her rival’s mouth twisted in a sarcastic greeting, uncovering rows of sharp teeth. The razors on her hands, sharp as scalpels, shined under the powerful lights. Her slanted yellow eyes stared at her without blinking.

The Maxist was wearing a protective leather corset and a pair of braided leather pants. That one was convinced of her future win. If she were defeated, her reward would certainly be the Judgment of Death. Leather was one of the best armors worn in the arena.

But Axia sensed something strange emanating from the chemical aura of her rival, a characteristic she could not define. And that wasn’t good, that wasn’t good at all.
"If the doctor told me I had six minutes to live, I'd type a little faster." Isaac Asimov.

Offline lisarogers

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2010, 11:42:12 AM »
First congratulations Alniah  :ban: :ban: :ban: Sounds promising and here's wishing you lots of luck. :zen2:

Second I have tried and tried to make suggestions on this and other post but whether I use the quote feature or try to copy and paste the post I can only make  two or three corrections and or suggestions then everytime I highlight an area my cursor shoots back up to the top.  Any suggestions?  I used to do this all the time but now... it doesn't work.   :'(
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Offline MarvaD

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2010, 12:14:07 PM »
I'd read this book. Save a copy for me.


Offline Magic_Seeker

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2010, 01:31:04 PM »
Lisa, ask Patrick.  I have vague memories of him mentioning a fix.  Unfortunately, I don't remember what it was. :emb:
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Offline Alniah

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2010, 12:07:19 PM »
And in the end I got a rejection today....the story of my life as a writer..... :badday:........... :'(....................................... :sad:....................ok I'm over it ::rolls sleeves up and starts writing again::
"If the doctor told me I had six minutes to live, I'd type a little faster." Isaac Asimov.

Offline Magic_Seeker

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2010, 02:28:18 PM »
:hug:  Hugs, Alniah.  You have a great story.  You'll find the perfect agent yet!  :up:
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Offline lisarogers

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2010, 03:35:21 PM »
 :agree: :agree: :agree: :agree:

NEVER give up.  You'll make it!
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Offline Alniah

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Re: Not sure what to do
« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2010, 03:54:42 PM »
Thank you Magic_Seeker and Lisarogers for the encouragements, ya'll are the best  :yes:  :up:
"If the doctor told me I had six minutes to live, I'd type a little faster." Isaac Asimov.