Author Topic: Sixth Dear Lucky Agent contest...  (Read 1354 times)

Offline Kimmy

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Sixth Dear Lucky Agent contest...
« on: September 30, 2010, 10:09:38 PM »
I'm submitting Soul Stalker to the Sixth Dear Lucky Agent contest over at GLA.  They want the first 150-200 words and a logline.  Anyone care to look at mine and comment?  I changed the beginning a bit to hopefully make it better.  Heres my start:

   Logline: After discovering that she'd been murdered by a romantic rival in a previous life, a seventeen-year-old girl finds herself caught up in the same fatal love triangle.

CHAPTER 1

   Amanda's death over the summer changed me.
   It wasn't a tangible change.  I still looked like me.  I still acted like me.
   But the loss of my cousin made me question the hows and whys of the universe.  Why did she have to die so young?  How was I supposed to live without her?       
   Despite a promise to myself that I wouldn't cry on the first day of  school, tears welled as I zeroed in on her empty desk.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and tried...but my legs wouldn't move.  I could not go into that room.
   I turned to run and crashed right into some guy.  My body bounced back into the room I'd been avoiding.  I lost my balance and fell flat on my ass.  My backpack landed next to me, tipping over and spilling it's guts onto the floor. 
   Happy freakin' first day of school.
   “Oh, my God, I'm sorry!” he said.  His voice sounded familiar, but when I looked at his face through my tears, I didn't recognize him.
   He knelt down to help me as a crowd formed around us.  As if I didn't feel stupid enough without everyone staring.
Kimmy :)

Triangles--Spencer Hill Press, 2013
Lost Reputation--Evernight Teen, 2016
Parallel Triangles--Evernight Teen, 2017
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Offline HorsebackWriter

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Re: Sixth Dear Lucky Agent contest...
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2010, 12:50:42 AM »

Good luck, Kimmy!

I think your opening is awesome. I'd just take out the part below, (tell) since it's obvious by her falling that she lost her balance.

Em


Amanda's death over the summer changed me.
   It wasn't a tangible change.  I still looked like me.  I still acted like me.
   But the loss of my cousin made me question the hows and whys of the universe.  Why did she have to die so young?  How was I supposed to live without her?       
   Despite a promise to myself that I wouldn't cry on the first day of  school, tears welled as I zeroed in on her empty desk.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and tried...but my legs wouldn't move.  I could not go into that room.
   I turned to run and crashed right into some guy.  My body bounced back into the room I'd been avoiding,. and I lost my balance and fell flat on my ass.  My backpack landed next to me, tipping over and spilling it's guts onto the floor. 
   Happy freakin' first day of school.
   “Oh, my God, I'm sorry!” he said.  His voice sounded familiar, but when I looked at his face through my tears, I didn't recognize him.
   He knelt down to help me as a crowd formed around us.  As if I didn't feel stupid enough without everyone staring.
 
Author of IF YOU FIND ME, Carnegie Medal '14 nominee, NYTBR Ed.s' Choice June '13, Booklist Youth Ed.s Choice of '13, YALSA BFYA '14 nominee, CYBILS nominee '13, Goodreads Choice Awards '13 nominee: Best Debut GR Author, Best YA Fiction. Translated into 7 languages. Whew.

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Offline lexcade

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Re: Sixth Dear Lucky Agent contest...
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2010, 08:19:01 AM »
Good luck, Kimmy!!!!!!
Duality - Edits
WIP: Spark
Outline: Untitled Epic Fantasy, Silver Circle (YA urban fantasy), Siren's Song (YA dystopian)
Back burner: Taming The Ancients

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Offline Nostrabuttus

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Re: Sixth Dear Lucky Agent contest...
« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2010, 09:56:09 AM »
I really like your new opening.  :up:

I still think you should only put one space after a period, but that is just me and an editor I know.  :wink:

Best of luck, Kimmy.
Author of humorous short stories, mainstream suspense, mystery, and thriller novels.

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Offline Kimmy

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Re: Sixth Dear Lucky Agent contest...
« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2010, 09:59:06 AM »
Nostra, you can give me your opinion anytime, day or night...I really value what you have to say, even if I can't tell when you're joking or not!  Thanks!
Kimmy :)

Triangles--Spencer Hill Press, 2013
Lost Reputation--Evernight Teen, 2016
Parallel Triangles--Evernight Teen, 2017
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