About to start bleeding out my eyes

[Beckahrah]

Somebody save me, for the love of little green apples and puppies and my overused thesaurus. I'm desperate and I'm having nightmares about it.

I can write, right?  I KNOW I can write...I think.  I've won contests and scholarships...I was a finalist in that ol' Hubbard contest, for Goodness' sake.  Sure, I might like my adverbs a little too much, but that's editable. 

Why do I have such a block about the short stuff?

My queries are confusing, my synopses are dry...

I need help.  I have written and re-written and edited and destroyed at least thirty queries...this week.  I've read the blogs and the articles and the successful examples, but I just...don't get it.  Nothing works, and I don't know what I'm doing, or not doing, or doing wrong, etc. 

If anyone feels like taking on a project, I will love you forever and name my firstborn child after you.  Well, a fish at the very least.  Maybe my car. 

I can send you my book, or the 8,000 horrifying excuses for queries I've already cast aside...whatever.  I throw up my hands and beg for mercy from the querying gods.  It's dark fantasy, adult, etc. etc. etc.  Excuse me while I go weep in the corner for awhile and contemplate a career as a window washer.

[Kimmy]

Beck, I seem to have a gift for queries. Post a few of your best here, or PM them to me, and I will see what I can do with them!

[lexcade]

Kimmy's query talent is amazing. If it's any consolation, it took me forever to get a usable query. They're HARD. The synopsis is hard. But they're doable. Just take a deep breath, post what you've got, and let us help.

[Kimmy]

Thanks lex!  Don't know how I do it!

[lexcade]

Me neither, but you have the gift.

[Beckahrah]

haha...'best.'  How generous of you, lol.  Blessings upon you and everyone you know for taking pity on me!  

1)  Anaiiya is a half demon, half Guardian urchin living with the gargoyle tribe she saved from murderous zealots.  But when her Nephilim father sets a trap to force her to choose between her two natures, Anaiiya must put her adopted gargoyle family in even greater danger to prevent a war between Man and the Mystic Races.

2)  Anaiiya struggles to survive after a failed murder attempt by the mad queen.  Driven by half-remembered familial ties, she risks her life to stop murderous zealots from destroying the last gargoyle tribe, only to find she has put them in even greater danger.  Demons and Guardians war for her allegiance, each claiming her destiny lies with them.  Neither hesitates to use the gargoyles as pawns in their quest to control her.  Now the fate of her tribe, including her beloved Lykez, hinges on whether she chooses to rule the world, or to save it.

3)   Anaiiya risks her life to stop murderous zealots from destroying the last gargoyle tribe, only to find she has put them in even greater danger.  Demons and Guardians battle for Anaiiya’s soul, and they don’t hesitate to use the gargoyles, including her beloved Lykez, as pawns.  Now their fate hinges on whether she chooses to rule the world, or to save it.

4)  Anaiiya is a half demon bastard princess chosen by God to save the world.  Her mother the queen threw her off a cliff to try and cover her indiscretion, but fate had other plans.  Her memories lost to her, Anaiiya grows up in the filthy streets of Laryial until she is driven by some unknown compulsion to save the city's gargoyle tribe from destruction at the hands of murderous zealots.  Now she guards them during the day, and finds true love with the gargoyle Lykez.  At long last, she settles into a peaceful life with her adopted gargoyle family.  Until her father shows up.

He is the last of the Nephilim, suffered to exist only because of an ancient bargain that forbids him from having more than one child.  When he discovers that his daughter is alive, he demands she join him in his quest to return the Nephilim to their former glory.  When she hesitates, he lays a trap; join forces with him, or watch her adopted family, the last gargoyle tribe on earth, die.

[Kimmy]

Whew! This was a hard one. Not my best work, by far!  Fantasy is not usually my genre and I do my best work with YA. Okay honey, I hate to admit that I am confused with what I read and am not sure what to do with the information.  But I will put something together and you can add or change or delete or whatever will make it make sense.  Each character should have a last name if they have one in the book.  How about:

Dear Agent,

Anaiiya's mixed heritage has thrown her life into chaos.  Half Nephilim and half Guardian, each side wants her to join them in their cause against the other.  Each side knows of her loyalty to the last surviving gargoyle tribe. And each side doesn't hesitate to use the gargoyles as pawns in their quest to control her. 

She can pledge her allegiance to the Nephilim and support her manipulative father.  She can side with the Guardians and her crazy mother who tried to kill her as a child.  But her true allegiance lies with her adopted gargoyle family and the gargoyle she's in love with.  No matter which side she chooses, the gargoyles, and her beloved Lykez, will suffer. When her father gives her an ultimatum to join forces with him or watch the gargoyles die, Anaiiya must find a way to save them and the world from the imminent war between her families.

WAR OF THE WORLDS is a 100,000 word fantasy.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

[Beckahrah]

Ah, I see.  A thousand thanks!!    


Ok, what about this (I tried not to change too much, because I clearly don't know what I'm doing)...

Anaiiya's mixed heritage has thrown her life into chaos.  Half Nephilim and half Guardian, each side insists she join their cause against the other.  Both know of her loyalty to the last surviving gargoyle tribe, and both leap at the chance to use the gargoyles as pawns in their quest to control her.

She can pledge her allegiance to the Nephilim and support her father’s mission to restore their race to the Earth.  She can side with the Guardians and use her relationship to the mad queen to stop a war she cares nothing about.  No matter which side she chooses, her adopted gargoyle family, including her beloved Lykez, will suffer.  When her father springs a trap forcing her to join him or watch her gargoyles die, Anaiiya must find a way to save them, and the rest of the world, from her warring families.

[Kimmy]

Much, much better!  HUGE improvement!  I would put a bit more of a hook at the beginning though - how does this grab you?:

Anaiiya's mixed heritage has thrown her life into chaos.  Half Nephilim and half Guardian, each side insists she join their cause against the other. Both know of her fierce loyalty to the last surviving gargoyle tribe, and both leap at the chance to use the gargoyles as pawns in their quest to control her.  If she fails to choose wisely, the gargoyles die.

She can pledge her allegiance to the Nephilim and support her father’s mission to restore their race to the Earth.  She can side with the Guardians and use her relationship to the mad queen to stop a war she cares nothing about.  No matter which side she chooses, her adopted gargoyle family, including her beloved Lykez, will suffer.  When her father springs a trap forcing her to join him or watch her gargoyles die, Anaiiya must find a way to save them, and the rest of the world, from her warring families.

[ClaireM]

Hey if you can be a finalist in one of those Hubbard contests you can definitely write!! I read a volume of finalist short stories a few years back and was thoroughly impressed. They're some of the best shorts I've ever read. 

[Beckahrah]

By George, I think I've got it!!  If I don't, the weeping continues.  Anyway, I spent the weekend reading video game and fantasy novel blurbs, and I came up with this.  I'm sure it needs tweaking, but please, Dear Lord in Heaven, let it not suck quite so bad...
(I posted this under query reviews too, since different folk have been helping me in different spots).


Guardian and Nephilim are sworn enemy races.  Ancient, immortal, and endowed with devastating powers, they have been locked in a standoff over control of the Earth for over a thousand years.  Taraseya will put an end to that.  Born of demons but chosen by God, she is both Nephilim and Guardian, and more powerful than any member of either race.  Her allegiance will determine control of this world, and all others, for all time.  There is only one problem…

Taraseya is dead.

Twenty years after Queen Riltara threw her daughter from the Amaranthine Cliffs, driven mad by her unwilling union with the Nephilim, something strange is happening.  Guardian and Nephilim are drawn to Laryial once more.  To their mutual shock, they find that control of the Earth now rests with a penniless orphan living with the last gargoyle tribe.

Anaiiya, unaware of her true nature, is too concerned with defending her adopted tribe against the constant attacks by a band of murderous zealots to worry about an ancient feud between the two warring powers.  But neither side is prepared to let her go.  Plans are made; the trap is set.  She must choose now, or watch the last gargoyle tribe, the only family she has ever known, die.

[Kimmy]

This is better, but the first paragraph, though cool and descriptive, is just backstory. I think you should start with your main character and her struggle, and maybe put that second. Also, is Taraseya and  Anaiiya the same person?  I assume that but it isnt clear.  Also, define Laryial - is it earth?  But this does sound great!  Good job!   Maybe switching things round, you might try something like this...

Taraseya is born of demons but chosen by God to protect the world from warring powers.  She is both Nephilim and Guardian, making her more powerful than any member of either race.  Her allegiance will determine control of this world, and all others, for all time.  There is only one problem--Taraseya is dead.

Guardian and Nephilim are sworn enemy races.  Ancient, immortal, and endowed with devastating powers, they have been locked in a standoff over control of the Earth for over a thousand years.  Twenty years after the mad Queen Riltara threw her daughter, Teraseya, from the Amaranthine Cliffs, something strange is happening.  Guardian and Nephilim are drawn to Laryial once more.  To their mutual shock, they find that control of the Earth now rests with a penniless orphan living with the last gargoyle tribe.

Anaiiya, unaware of her true nature and birth name of Taraseya, is too concerned with defending her adopted tribe against the constant attacks by a band of murderous zealots to worry about an ancient feud between the two warring powers.  But neither side is prepared to let her go.  Plans are made; the trap is set.  She must choose now, or watch the last gargoyle tribe, the only family she has ever known, die.

[clutzattack]

Okay, there were things I liked about each of the posted queries and so I tried to make the best of them. 

I agree with Kimmy that the first paragraph sounds like backstory. Usually in a query I think the agent likes to hear about the MC first, but I sort of like the twist you  have going that the heroine is dead. And since your MC sounds like her daughter/reincarnation, it might be okay that you mention the other first.

Didn't get the Laryial was another name for Earth. I think in a query (even for high fantasy) you should limit the number of new words/made up names and races to 3-4 references.  Like the name of the cliff the queen throws her off--not needed. The queen's name also isn't as important as the fact that she's her mother. Not even sure mentioning that she's the queen is necessary.

I liked the line about using the gargoyles as pawns against her, but didn't include it in my general revision. 

The thing about her beloved Lycaz--what's his name... is fine for a synopsis, but since this is fantasy the main conflict is usually not romance and so I think you should use all of your limited space to establish what makes your story more unique than every other epic fantasy with demons warring for control of the earth and an unexpected hero who must overcome all the odds agains them.

Taraseya is born of demons but chosen by God to protect the world from sworn enemy races who have been locked in a standoff over control of the Earth for thousands of years. Born of both Nephilim and Guardian, Taraseya is more powerful than any member of either of the warring races, and her allegiance will determine control of this world and all others.  There is only one problem--Taraseya is dead.

Twenty years after Taraseya was thrown off a cliff by her crazed mother, (the queen of the Guardian/Nephilim race, )the enemy races have learned that the control of Earth now rests with a penniless orphan living with the last gargoyle tribe.

Anaiiya, a young woman half Nephilim and half Guardian,  is  unaware of her true birth name of Taraseya, and finds her life thrown into chaos when each of the warring side insists she join their cause against the other.

No matter which side she chooses, her adopted gargoyle family will suffer. And when a trap is sprung forcing her to pledge her allegiance to one side or the other, Anaiiya must find a way to save the only family she has ever known, as well as the rest of the world and universe from her warring families.

[JLArmentrout]

The above query revision is made of awesome 

[Beckahrah]

Made some more tweaks...


Taraseya will end the war between Nephilim and Guardians.  Ancient, immortal, and endowed with devastating powers, the sworn enemy races have been locked in a standoff over control of the Earth for millennia.  Taraseya is both Nephilim and Guardian, and more powerful than any member of either race.  Her allegiance will determine control of this world, and all others, for all time.  There is only one problem—

Taraseya is dead.
   
Twenty years after her mother the Queen of Laryial threw Taraseya from the cliffs—driven mad by her ensorcelled union with the Nephilim—a strange force ripples through the universe.  Guardian and Nephilim are drawn to the Earth kingdom once more.  To their mutual shock, they find that control of the Earth now rests with a penniless orphan living with the last gargoyle tribe.

Anaiiya is unaware of her true name or nature, and her life is thrown into chaos when each side demands she join their cause against the other.  No matter which side she chooses, her adopted gargoyle family will suffer.  When a trap is sprung forcing her to pledge her allegiance or watch her adopted gargoyle tribe die, Anaiiya must find a way to save the only family she has ever known, as well as the rest of the world, from her warring families.