Author Topic: About to start bleeding out my eyes  (Read 8463 times)

Offline Magic_Seeker

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Re: About to start bleeding out my eyes
« Reply #15 on: October 28, 2010, 09:25:32 PM »
You're getting close to the edge of TMI -- maybe over it.  Concentrate on Taraseya, not the backstory/world-building.

Taraseya will end the war between Nephilim and Guardians , .  Ancient, immortal, and endowed with devastating powers, the sworn enemy races have been locked in a standoff over control of the Earth for millennia.  Taraseya is both Nephilim and Guardian, and more powerful than any member of either race.  Her allegiance will determine control of this world, and all others, for all time.  There is only one problem—

Twenty years after her mother the Queen of Laryial threw Taraseya from the cliffs—driven mad by her ensorcelled union with the Nephilim—a strange force ripples through the universe. Way too vague, and you don't need it.  You say it here --> Guardian and Nephilim are drawn to the Earth kingdom once more.  To their mutual shock, they find that control of the Earth now rests with a penniless orphan living with the last gargoyle tribe.

Anaiiya is unaware of her true name or nature, and her life is thrown into chaos when each side demands she join their cause against the other.  No matter which side she chooses, her adopted gargoyle family will suffer.  When a trap is sprung forcing her to pledge her allegiance or watch her adopted gargoyle tribe die, Anaiiya must find a way to save the only family she has ever known, as well as the rest of the world, from her warring families.

 :emb2:  My edits in the first paragraph leave it a bit choppy, but I think you get my drift.

You are soooooooo close!  :yes:
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Offline Beckahrah

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Re: About to start bleeding out my eyes
« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2010, 09:44:38 PM »
Ah, you guys are so awesome.   :hmm:  How about this, then?


Taraseya will end the war between Nephilim and Guardian, sworn enemy races locked in a standoff over control of the Earth for millennia.  Taraseya is both, and more powerful than any member of either race.  Her allegiance will determine control of this world, and all others, for all time.  There is only one problem—

Taraseya is dead.
   
Twenty years after her mother the Queen of Laryial threw Taraseya from the cliffs—driven mad by her ensorcelled union with demons— Guardian and Nephilim are drawn to the Earth kingdom once more.  To their mutual shock, they find that control of the Earth now rests with a penniless orphan living with the last gargoyle tribe.

Anaiiya is unaware of her true name or nature, and her life is thrown into chaos when each side demands she join their cause against the other.  No matter which side she chooses, her adopted family will suffer.  When a trap is sprung forcing her to pledge her allegiance or watch the gargoyles die, Anaiiya must find a way to save the only family she has ever known, and the rest of the world, from her warring natures.
Is there some reason a robot made of wax can't take a nap standing up in the middle of a bunch of wax robots, or does that CONFUSE you?

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Offline Raquel

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Re: About to start bleeding out my eyes
« Reply #17 on: November 03, 2010, 03:33:53 PM »
Pretty good.  i only had a problem with the first paragraph.  The rest I like.

Taraseya will end the war between Nephilim and Guardian, sworn enemy races locked in a standoff over control of the Earth for millennia.  Taraseya is both, and more powerful than any member of either race. This sentence is what throws me.  I read it a couple of times to make sure I got what you meant. Her allegiance will determine control of this world, and all others, for all time.  There is only one problem—

Taraseya is dead.

Here's my suggestion.  Hope it helps.

The war between the Nephilim and Guardian's for contrl of earth has lasted millennia, and Taraseya can stop it. Her allegiance will determine control of this world, and all others, for all time.  There is only one problem—


Offline Beckahrah

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Re: About to start bleeding out my eyes
« Reply #18 on: November 03, 2010, 04:57:59 PM »
Well.  Phoenix raised some good and (somewhat unwelcome) questions about my query.  Apparently it made her think my book was about reincarnated angels, which it's so not.  So.  Back to the ol' drawing board.  This is draft 1 of attempt #15,000.  What do you think of this:


Anaiiya is beginning to suspect she isn’t human.  When she sings, the river boils and mysterious rockslides plague the cliffs.  When she’s angry, her eyes glow with an otherworldly light and hunks of stone crumble in her hands like cheese.  Even her adopted gargoyle family fears her after she blacks out during a skirmish with murderous zealots and wakes up in a pool of her enemies’ blood.

When a sorcerer reveals the truth behind Anaiiya’s dual nature, it alerts her deranged but powerful families of her existence.  The parents who tried to murder her as a child now war for her allegiance.  Now all the histories of all the worlds hinge on whether Anaiiya chooses to rule humanity…or save it.
Is there some reason a robot made of wax can't take a nap standing up in the middle of a bunch of wax robots, or does that CONFUSE you?

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Offline Magic_Seeker

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Re: About to start bleeding out my eyes
« Reply #19 on: November 03, 2010, 07:26:22 PM »
I like everything except the last line -- it doesn't fit this version.  You need to concentrate on Anaiiya's personal stakes, not of the whole world.

Just make sure the fate of the world is in your synopsis.  I just got a rejection saying my story was too small scale for the current market.  :eek:

And a nit-pick:  deranged but powerful ==> deranged-but-powerful
Happy writing,
  Deb Salisbury, the Magic Seeker
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Offline Beckahrah

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Re: About to start bleeding out my eyes
« Reply #20 on: November 03, 2010, 07:33:21 PM »
I shall!  I posted it up under the synopsis review if anyone wants to look at it (hint hint)  :wink:
Is there some reason a robot made of wax can't take a nap standing up in the middle of a bunch of wax robots, or does that CONFUSE you?

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Offline Raquel

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Re: About to start bleeding out my eyes
« Reply #21 on: November 11, 2010, 08:52:46 PM »
Love the second paragraph, not so crazy about the first.  Especially the first line.  I read chosen by god and went, what god?  If she's chosen by god its a no duh, she's going to suceed, unless there's an opposing god choosing her opposition.  just my thoughts.

Offline Beckahrah

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Re: About to start bleeding out my eyes
« Reply #22 on: November 17, 2010, 06:25:36 PM »
New one to look at, because everyone hates the last one. Ugh. 

When fanatical humans attack the gargoyle tribe who adopted her, Anaiiya blacks out and kills them all with her bare hands.  She wakes up covered in blood and surrounded by dead bodies—again.   Now she suspects the truth: she isn’t human.  Yet she has no idea what manner of monster she is becoming.  Stone crumbles into powder in her hands and drops of blood sing to her and show her visions.  As she flexes her newfound supernatural muscles to defend her tribe, she draws the attention of other magical creatures—both good and evil—who want to use her abilities for their own ends.

When Anaiiya refuses to join her half-demon father’s quest to remake the world according to his vision—a quest which involves overthrowing her half-brother’s throne and wiping all other magical creatures from the face of the earth—he sets a trap that forces her to choose sides.  Now she must join him or watch her beloved gargoyles, the only family she has ever known, die.



Also, what do you all think of the title 'Eyes of Stone?'
« Last Edit: November 18, 2010, 04:27:25 PM by Beckahrah »
Is there some reason a robot made of wax can't take a nap standing up in the middle of a bunch of wax robots, or does that CONFUSE you?

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Offline JayliaDarkness

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Re: About to start bleeding out my eyes
« Reply #23 on: November 23, 2010, 10:18:02 PM »
Your story sounds really interesting.  Do you want to swap manuscripts?  I have a YA Fantasy that I'd love a fresh set of eyes to look over.  After I read your story, I can help with your query.