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Author Topic: Query-Herbie  (Read 1200 times)
Nigel_Habberdash
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« on: April 20, 2011, 03:08:13 PM »

Dear Agent,

Herbert Henkleman is probably the greatest scientist in the entire world, next to the guy who invented biscuits and gravy.  Monday’s science fair is his chance to prove it to everyone in his second grade class.  Herbie is going to make the biggest, meanest, working volcano in history.
 
The only problem is that he hasn’t spent a single minute working on it because he has been busy working on a top secret project, a flying propeller hat.  He made it out in his laboratory, which doubles as his bedroom, out of a propeller beanie, a cell phone, and a fan blade. 

   Herbie has the weekend to finish testing it and get his volcano finished while his parents are out of town.  He has more than enough time so long as his mutant of an older brother Rosco quits snooping around his room.  If Rosco doesn’t quit trying to find the tip-top secret project Herbie is SO telling Aunt Rita.

HERBIE AND HIS HELICOPTER HAT is a 5,800 word children’s chapter book that follows Herbie on his mission to win the science fair.  This book, written for second graders, is a stand-alone with series potential.

My background is in education.  I taught both first and second grade for a total of five years.  I am a member of the SCBWI.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Nigel Habberdash



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alisonbeightol
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« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2011, 04:44:44 PM »

I love it! I would have picked this up for my daughter in a minute! It reminds me of the Junie B Jones books. Good job! Kool-Aid
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JayliaDarkness
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« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2011, 07:33:22 PM »

Sounds really interesting.  Only one thing jumped out at me.

Herbert Henkleman is probably the greatest scientist in the entire world, next to the guy who invented biscuits and gravy. 

This sounds too factual, maybe say:

Herbert Henkleman believes he is the greatest...

It gives him some attitude right away.
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LisaAnn
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« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2011, 09:02:26 PM »

Sounds awesome!  I agree with everyone; this really sounds like you've got something special.  Thumbs Up

I only have one tiny question: is there a specific reason why Herbie doesn't want to enter his flying propeller hat in the science fair instead of the volcano?  (Trouble with parents, trouble with friends, secret plan to take over the world, specific instructions to only enter a volcano, etc.) 

I know there must be a reason, so I would suggest maybe making that a little more clear in your query.  Otherwise, your agent might find him or herself thinking what I found myself thinking: "A flying propeller hat sounds pretty bad-ass.  Why doesn't Herbie just enter it in the science fair instead and save himself the hassle of making a volcano?  Two birds with one stone.  Ta-da!"  (It's a pretty fun tangent to find yourself on, but I don't want it to detract from the time your agent should spend thinking about YOU.)

Best of luck to you, and again, congratulations on a a great concept!  clap
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« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2011, 10:48:47 PM »

Hi Nigel,

Sounds like a fun story. I noticed a few echo words (words repeated too close together or too often) which I've highlighted in red and offered a suggested replacement word along with other changes in blue. I've put my comments in purple.

Good luck,
Don

Dear Agent,

Herbert Henkleman is probably believes he is (I agree with JayliaDarkness suggestion) the greatest scientist in the entire world, next to the guy who invented biscuits and gravy (I suggest changing biscuits and gravy because unless they have an importance to the story it's not something I think a kid in second grade would feel is an awesome invention.) individually wrapped peanut butter and jelly slices.  Monday’s science fair is his chance to prove it to everyone in his second grade class.  Herbie is going to make the biggest, meanest, working volcano in history.
 
The only problem is that (he has or Herbie has--is used four times) he hasn’t spent a single minute working on it because he has Herbie's been busy working on developing a top secret project, a flying propeller hat.  He made it out in his laboratory, which doubles as his bedroom, out of a propeller beanie, a cell phone, and a fan blade. 

   Herbie has the weekend to finish testing it and get his volcano finished [/s] completed while his parents are out of town.  He has This leaves him more than enough time so long as his mutant of an older brother Rosco quits snooping around his room.  If Rosco doesn’t quit stop trying to find the tip-top secret project Herbie is SO telling Aunt Rita.

HERBIE AND HIS HELICOPTER HAT is a 5,800 word children’s chapter book that follows Herbie on his mission to win the science fair.  This book, written for second graders, is a stand-alone with series potential.

My background is in education.  I taught both first and second grade for a total of five years.  I am a member of the SCBWI.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Nigel Habberdash




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rivergirl
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« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2011, 09:57:37 AM »

this is very good.  I'm only nitpicking over a few flow areas and added some juvenile elements.

Herbert Henkleman believes he is the greatest scientist in the entire world, second only to that brilliant guy who invented his favorite biscuits and gravy.  Monday’s science fair is his chance to prove to everyone in his second grade class just how Einstein he can be.  His plan?  Herbie intends to make the biggest, meanest, working volcano in history.
 
The only problem is that he hasn’t spent a single minute working on his volcanus eruptus.  His valuable time has been all consumed creating a top secret project: a flying propeller hat.  From his laboratory, which doubles as his bedroom, Herbert fashions a propeller beanie, a cell phone, and a fan blade into pure aviator genius. 

Herbie has the weekend to finish testing his hat and get his volcano spewing.  Come Monday, his very not so understanding parents will be back in town.  He should have enough time as long as Rosco, his mutant of an older brother, stops snooping around in his room. As Rosco grows every closer to finding his tip-top secret project, Herbie realizes he may be forced to tell Aunt Rita.

« Last Edit: April 21, 2011, 07:06:28 PM by rivergirl » Logged

brandileigh2003
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« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2011, 02:24:42 PM »

i like it, very clear
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« Reply #7 on: April 22, 2011, 03:25:55 PM »

Cute story!  Great comments.  I agree with Don regarding biscuits and gravy.  Maybe the brilliant guy who invested Facebook Smiley  something along those lines that kids relate to.  Good job.
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